I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
