Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
