Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
