All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
