he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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