News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
