6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
What drink are we having for lunch?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
