I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
