Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
