That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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