Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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