The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
