...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
