Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
