Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize