Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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