I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
