i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
