I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
