Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
