I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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