Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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