I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
