Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
