T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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