I wish I could teleport
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
