Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize