Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
