The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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