Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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