seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
