dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
