Ambien. No doubt about it.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I have tasted many bathrooms
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
