And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
