I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize