Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
actually, I'm a sock model
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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