Soap is not a condiment
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
