woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
