Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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