eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
