so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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