My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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