I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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