when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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