I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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