so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize