i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
my vag is so smooth its legendary
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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