Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
