I'm so fucking centered right now
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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