I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
