the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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