i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
