I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
