I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
