She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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