i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Your penis caused this!
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